Recently I’ve had some major life events that have literally altered my life course. I’ll go into some details about the events that transpired, but more importantly I want to talk about change.
Four weeks ago I suffered a miscarriage. My husband and I had been trying for our second child (our first is now five). It took us a long time to get pregnant with our first (see my PCOS story), so we were pleasantly surprised, but cautiously optimistic when we found out we were pregnant on Father’s Day. We told our closest relatives the big news right away. At 8 weeks we saw the baby and the heartbeat, and we were super excited. At some point I started having bad feelings about it and had some awfully stressful dreams. I even had a dream that I miscarried which really freaked me out. I started bleeding a few days before my 12 week appointment and pretty much knew in my gut that something was wrong. We confirmed the miscarriage on August 15th.
Wow, that’s a lot to get out. It was by far the most awful experience of my life. It stopped me right in my tracks and had me questioning everything about my life. This tiny little person brought so many feelings and plans into our lives. My husband and I were starting to pick out names; it was so real and in an instant it was gone. Shortly after the miscarriage I had a falling out with a person who is very close to me. It was, unfortunately, a long time coming since our relationship had been strained for such a long time. But, now in the aftermath I feel that I am grieving for two people that I’ve lost.
Here’s the kicker though… it was all necessary. All of this pain that I’ve felt has been totally and completely necessary for me as a person. Obviously I never would have chosen these things to happen to me, but it set in motion some major changes that were desperately needed for me to live my best life. I’ve always struggled with my identity, confidence and self-worth. My entire life I have lived for others and have given in to things just to keep the peace. I’ve always avoided conflict and have tried desperately to keep the peace, even when that attempt was futile. So, here I stand, going through this awful time and feeling so incredibly alone.
This change made me realize how much I’ve neglected myself and put my happiness on the back burner. I have no one to blame for that other than myself, and I’m also the only person that can fix it. But, change is really hard. Even positive change is really hard. Who would have thought? I find myself having to dig deep and remind myself that it will all be worth it because the change is necessary, even if it is difficult. I wanted to come up with some reminders for myself as I go through this, and I want to share them with others who are also going through major life changes. Hang in there with me and let’s remember:
Change is Necessary: It is one of those necessary evils in life and for those of us who normally stick to routine and schedules, change can mess us up big time. But, change is necessary for our souls to develop and for us to grow as individuals. We can learn a lot about ourselves when we are faced with these moments in our life.
We Deserve Happiness: Sometimes change is good because it means it could open up more possibilities of happiness, but because the change itself is hard we shut it down. No more putting our happiness last, we deserve happiness, even if it means we travel a rough road to get there. You deserve happiness!
One Day at a Time: Sometimes it’s one hour at a time. Each day can feel like eternity when you’re faced with life changing events and everything seems turned upside down. Emotions can fluctuate from hour to hour and we need to own those emotions. Feel them! Don’t bury them or get mad at yourself for feeling them, just let it happen. Cleanse your soul by letting those emotions run their course.
Keep Moving Forward: Don’t look back! If you’re like me, the natural reaction is to want things to go back to normal or the way it was, but that’s not what’s best. This change is occurring because you are being pushed to move your life and soul journey forward. Keep moving yourself forward and try to limit any guilt that comes with this process.
My final thought is this: during this time we are working to rewire our brains. We take our past and we reconcile that with our current situation and we can create whatever future we want! Be conscious of how you are reprogramming your life and make it the best it can be.